How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
my phone needs a breathalizer
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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