the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
