I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
