I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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