Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Someone shattered a urinal.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize