Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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