Apparently you make a good broom.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
