textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
