There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize