I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
