If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
