i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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