By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
