She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
