Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
this must be what syphilis tastes like
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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