I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
