last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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