Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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