Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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