I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
