I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize