you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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