if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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