I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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