what day is it and did you see me today?
smell my finger.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
