New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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