Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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