I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
