my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
