he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
honey bunches of taint.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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