Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
