The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
