So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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