I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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