Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We left the knife in your bed.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
