She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
