please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
