I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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