there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Green mimosas i think yes
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Please don't give away my fajitas
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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