I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize