I'd wear matching sweaters with you
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
