3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
