Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
