Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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