i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Less talking, more tequila
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
