she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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