How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
