i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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