I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
There's always time for handjobs
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
