I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
