you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
