today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
