soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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