nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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