I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
