Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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