eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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