Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
