I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
