I didn't shave. On purpose
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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