Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
