who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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