i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We had sex on a dog bed..
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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