I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
