Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Randomize
