were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize