Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
