Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Someone signed my nipple.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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