Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
