Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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